Yesterday

Yesterday I kind of got into an argument with a couple of friends from work. Both had been nit picking and my tolerance was low. I was joked about for being, "prim and proper" and when I corrected them and got sarcastic, I was said to be, "such a bit**." It finally ended with me telling one friend to stop instigating and the other one to just shut her mouth. They both got up and walked out of the kitchen. I haven't exactly been feeling happy-go-lucky lately. This, among other things just kind of were the last straw. I shed a few tears as I stared into my monitor. A co-worker came in to see this and began encouraging me with scripture. I know the truth, but hurt is hurt and the only way to get over it sometimes is to go through it. Besides, I'm not ashamed to cry. It's not a sign of weakness; more like a sign of surrender. And I have to do it everyday. Otherwise, I begin to get hard-hearted. And if I am that, all friendship will disappear. And I'm already not sure how stable the ones I have are. Nothing, I've learned is forever.

Only One

Have you ever felt like you were the only one on this earth? That's how I felt today...alone. Even with people in and out of my office, there was enough quiet time that I felt like I was the only one there. Sometimes even the knowledge of a greater truth gets clouded by the stillness of my solitude.

Attacked?

Cracking and crashing and pounding metal startled me out of my pre-slumber. ( I wasn't quite asleep, but I wasn't fully alert either.) As I stood to my feet, I could hear what sounded as if our house was being attacked--or like a hammer being pounded against the heater just outside my door. I slowly approached and opened the door to the heater and felt for water drops. Then I made my way through the dark to the kitchen where the entire kitchen was lit up with the lightning from outside as the thunder shook my insides. Again, I was startled. There was more pounding and it wasn't until the next morning that I realized it was hail and not rain.

I was supposed to go walking today after work with my cousin but it was drizzling. I went to have sushi instead. And I ate way too much. (Would've been healthier to turn my stress and anxiety to walking.)

Affirmation

So I went to back to prayer a few Saturdays ago after an absence of like, three years or so. And I missed last week, but one of the associate pastors approached me on a Wednesday and told me that the senior pastor wanted to know if I would lead the prayer for the following week. (Ill-equipped? Yeah.) Nonetheless, I agreed to do it. And for the most part, I was fine with it after the initial shock since I had only been to one prayer meeting in three years as I already stated. It wasn't until my cousin nonchalantly asked on the Friday night before, "What are you gonna teach for the lesson?" Huh? The less-what lesson? I have to prepare a lesson?! (Yeah, instant panic and sweats.) Thankfully, my job was only to take over the rest of the prayer time after some of the pastors and laymen left to go pray over another pastor's new church. Pastor said, "I want to give a pat on the back to someone..." (Imagine my surprise when that someone was me.) He went on to say that he had been going through prophecies frm years past that either the Lord gave to him or others gave to him when he came across a few of mine. (A few? How many I wondered.) He spoke of how the words of the prophecies I gave him really blessed him and how the words were still powerful. And he said, "Girl, the Lord really uses you." (Wow. After more than three years of deadness in the spirit...the Spirit speaks.) It was an encouragement. And apparently, I will be leading the prayer once a month when they do their walks. I was humbled and feeling very undeserving. (Ah, grace.)

After going to breakfast with my grandma, running errands, avoiding a lingeringly irritating issue, and getting home with just enough time to pick up my friend for a dinner we were having at another friend's house, I was ready to call it a day. Truthfully, the issue had angered me and drained me of every bit of "high" I had that day. And though I had a headache, I had made a commitment. So I went. As soon as we arrived, my friend greeted us and was already drinking. I shared with two of my friends about this current situation that has me all twisted up inside, trying not to cry about it. My friends urged me not to cry and began pouring the wine as we each started preparing our dishes. After assisting in finishing about 7 bottles, it was clear that none of us needed another glass. And it was obvious that I had meandered--once again--towards failure. (Victory seemed to be short-lived due to the impending defeat.) It wasn't that I didn't have a good time, I did. We even ended the evening with a good ole fashioned, childish FOOD FIGHT! I just handled my sadness in the wrong way. *shrugs* I got up and went to church today anyway. Pastor's prophecy was sobering and made me cry both times I heard him read it.

I need to wake up.
America needs to wake up.

On My Mind...

Grandpa Leo

Grandma Lupe

Mom

Aunt Chris

Emily

Barak Obama

John Travolta & family

George W. Bush

Sarah Palin

Today my heart is heavy and my prayers are offered up on their behalf.

Waiting

She sits and watches
Monitoring even his slightest move.

Keeping busy, making nice
Doing that in which he would approve.


Waiting for something to change
Waiting for the laughter to be enough


He still calls her by name
With just a simple "honey".

He sets oblivious in his frivolity

While she worries and frets over money.

Waiting to be set free
Waiting for a new life to begin


She is not willing to let go
Because of the induced pain.

To let go of one hand and take another
And an eternal promise would be her gain


Waiting for some relief
Waiting for someone to intervene
Waiting is never easy
When dealing with the unseen


"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

Longing

Some days I just long to be able to talk to my dad again--even if it's just for a moment. I've been thinking about fishing with him lately and the other night I even had a dream that he was still alive. I think about him more when I've been talking to my grandma.

Today was a difficult day.

Eavesdropping

My friend and I met at a nearby Red Lobster because we had both been craving seafood (me shrimp scampi and she ANYthing from the sea). There was an African-American family behind me when I heard one child ask the parents, "Why did they elect Obama as president?" The father paused, probably because he was proud that his under-the-age-of-10-child showed such an interest and asked what could possibly have a profoundly inspiring answer. And he said (with a pause as if preparing to give a verbal list of reasons), "Well for one...because the people liked him"--'but the people don't know what he's done,' the child said interrupting. Then the other child,the older of the two, chimed in with, 'my friend says that Obama only wanted to be elected president so he could make white slavery.' Of course at that point, the parents quickly interjected, even going so far as to say that 'history would not repeat itself' in the same way as say, the holocaust. (Thank God.)

And after that rather controversial discussion, there wasn't a need for dessert.

10:00 pm - 1/21/09 - I found out from my friend today that the family sitting behind me wasn't African American. They were caucasian. (heh)

Angered Silence

Beneath the surface of what is seen is not all which can be revealed. "Grin and bear it," that's what I'm told. Oops, there goes another soul that's been sold. Keep on walking in your passivity. It makes complacency look bold. What can be said from a mouth that's been covered up by love. Though the words are silent; my soul shouts out, "Where is the justice?!" Lord, wake up...please pay attention. Do you see what's going on down here? Where's the intervention? What more can I do? What prayer can I pray? Tell me because there might be one I haven't yet tried. Another way to ask You; a new way to say...something to get this confusion to subside. Don't let me remain this way anymore. I can't remain in silence forever.

Anxiety?

Last night I had a dream that the circumstances in my life prevented me from making it to work on time today. There was so much going on that I never went to work that day or called in because of it. I have the day off today in observance of Martin Luther King so I don't know what prompted the dream. It's like the dreams I used to have as a youth--not being able to locate a classroom and the tardy bell had already rang; it was that same sort of panic. Strange.

On another random note, my 13 month old cousin woke me up by calling my cell phone this morning. She was chattering away, talking my ear off--of course she had no idea whose ear she was talking off. That was a rather fun wake up call.

Senses

There was a small patch of perspiration at the back of my neck where I could literally feel the chill of the air conditioned breeze slowly creeping around my flesh to the back of my neck--which was a bit of an odd sensation since I had just turned the a/c on not five minutes prior when I hopped into my car from work and raced off. As I approached the one of the first red lights on Barranca, I slowly reached down with my left hand into the side pocket of my door to pull out some stand by body spray. As I sprayed myself, I could feel (with a cold chill) as it penetrated through the fibers of my pants and into each pore as the fragrance made contact. It felt so unusual to be so aware of the feeling; of my senses. Especially since I was so focused on getting to the hospital to see my grandfather who had been taken in earlier in the day. This wasn't the first time he was rushed to the hospital. However, each time tends to possess more of a risk that he wont come out walking. It has been an emotionally wearing time for our family in the past year; tensions are elevated with some level of fear of the unknown. One thing we do know is that we will do whatever it is we can to make my grandfather's life more pleasant. And even though my grandfather is 88, cancer does not have to be a death sentence. (Faithlessness is.) I've heard that when you lose one of your senses, all of your others are heightened and more sensitive. Maybe something in me has died.