A Busy Day Off...?

Dinner plans were for Johnny Carino's at 6:30 with some current co-workers and some previous. Although I was tired from the day's busyness of sanding walls, applying primer to them, painting them and attempting to keep my cousin's 18 month old daughter from getting her hands into the paint and making a mess, I was eager to see the above mentioned previous coworkers. Dinner chat was normal...who was irritating at ENKI and who has since left, what's new in everyone's life, etc. (Amy is now with child, Erika's ex-fiance is crazy and therefore in rehab, and so on and so forth.) I felt a bit out of place when my friend asked another friend if she was daitng anyone. It was almost a bit of nervousness since my answer would have been "no," as it always is and the fear of sounding utterly pathetic slowly crept into my mind. Then, alas (thank God), somebody changed the subject. It was probably Maria since she's a little ADHD. Then a few minutes passed when I enthusiastically cheered, "Oh my grandpa was healed of cancer!" As if someone had asked me what was new. (They did. It was just minutes prior. And the subject had already been changed as I said before.) I guess the fear of sounding 'utterly pathetic' got into me. And now, I was only feeling like a total doof for my timing. But in looking back on it, why wouldn't I rave about what God has done in my life and in the life of my family? I may not have a man in my life, but I have the MAN. And why should that be pathetic? Because I am about to turn 40 in a few short months? As one of my friend's stated, "Age is just a number." And it shouldn't dictate my actions, reactions or limit my abilities. It shouldn't but I fight with allowing it to. (Still, the flesh side of me does ache at times to have someone in my life; someone to hold me in their arms and love me and feel secure with. Someone just to be able to come home to and sit with.) But you know, I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not working for a house in this life, I'm not looking for security of this world. I wont have a baby. And I wont retire and need a 401k. I wont buy a house. And a life lacking those things to some might be devastating. But I am working towards something else; somethings bigger. I am doing exciting things...every Saturday morning I hear the voice of God and am able to communicate with Him and other believers freely. Of course, that's not the only time I hear from him. But it's an atmosphere that I dare not pass up or sleep in for. I just don't get why more don't join in. It's the most alive that I have ever felt is during those times. And I am faithful because He is faithful. So anyway... during dinner it's almost as if I have nothing to share; that there isn't anything new or exciting going on because I'm not dating anyone. Or I'm not having a baby. So I felt kind of out of place, but in truth, I've got a lot going for me. Things are happening in the spirit--which a lot of people don't understand anyway. We are praying every Saturday morning and things are happening; people are changing. I was a bit discouraged because there are specific friends that I don't see a change in, but everyone has a free will--and some of them are really stubborn and hard-hearted. I wont give up praying for them, but maybe pursuing a friendship is just not God's will. Besides, the word says, you shall know them by their fruits. I know which people are my real friends and really care about me. And those are the ones I will interact with and trust with my pearls. And the others...I will pray until the Lord says to relinquish. So I can't really share with anyone about what the Lord is doing...or can I? Should I have? I've noticed I have kept to myself more. You never know who you can trust. Everyone at work knows that I got a demotion. And that I don't like my current position as receptionist/operator. The working relationships are strained and I don't know how long I can keep my mouh shut. I don't know what the Lord is doing with me except that I am being stretched and humbled. All I can do is just continue to trust Him and know that He knows best for me. And I can go to Him and ask for help and He never turns me down. And he never lies. Only with His help with I pay off my debt (loan, timeshare, credit cards, etc.) So this started out as a blog about my day...but I find myself so full of all this stuff going on in my head and heart that I didn't know quite what to do with. Random thoughts like, I've been hearing from several different people at work that they heard great things about my work and how my files in HR were so organized, etc. Part of me wants to say, "Yeah, but they didn't give me the HR position. They chose someone else--the 'best candidate.' And the other part of me graciously says, "Oh that's nice. God has something else for me." The IT Coordinator made a comment about getting me away from the front desk and it had something to do with assisting him...? Like I said, it was random. I'm not even sure how to end this. I've opened up my heart online (not the most secure of places) and now I am left with a tear. The best thing about God is being able to go back to that infantile state of needing to be nurtured and cry out, "Daddy, daddy" and he is right there. *sigh* Still, I miss my daddy. And I do wish he could be right here. Well...I should probably just stop here since I have had a busy day and the feeling of fatigue is finally catching up with me.

My happiest thought today: God healed my grandpa of cancer.

Manifesting Joel

I sat in near awe and amazement as 9, 10...12 year olds prayed fervently and passionately to God regarding such things as abortion. Some of the beliefs the children expressed were obviously taught by man, but it was the other expressions of faith that both caught me off-guard and inspired me. Some of the statements made, the prayers prayed could only be inspired and birthed by the Lord. They weren't redundant catch phrases and doctrines used by church-going evangelicals; it wasn't merely the spewing of church lingo. It was a sincere faith birthed from an evident encounter and on-going relationship with the Holy Spirit...and a pure heart of obedience that caused those declarations of faith to be spoken. It jump started my faith and increased my desire to see the young people at our church praying those prayers of faith on behalf of our nation, our president and those unborn babies. The documentary is called Jesus Camp and although it was filmed in 2006 and the complexion of America has changed dramatically since then, I believe that, He who began a good work will complete it. And what we were seeing on film in 2006 was only the tip of the iceberg. Afterall, they don't call the church the "frozen chosen" for nothing. (heh.) And if I hadn't already experienced a bit of that with children in my own family, I probably would be somewhat cynical too. But this documentary capturing a glimpse of what God can do with a simple, child-like faith only confirmed a work that was started in me and around me years ago.

In Joel 2:28-29, it says:

And it shall come to pass afterward,
That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh;
Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,
Your old men shall dream dreams,
Your young men shall see visions,
And also on My menservants and on My maidservants,
I will pour out My Spirit in those days...



May I be a part of that.