Emotional

Okay so today was better at the El Monte site than on Tuesday. I actually had somewhat normal and friendly interactions with co-workers (there was even laughter). The two girls who I work directly with weren't surfing the web or updating their facebook--phones were still vibrating off and on all day though.

I took my box of office supplies and nick knacks with me today and once again, I spent most of my day organizing and putting things away. My new supervisor came in and apologized to me for not showing me how to use the phones on Tuesday. However, the "girl who knows everything" still didn't show me anything really. I had to ask her. And when she wasn't available, I had to ask the other girl who honestly didn't know much more than I did. It felt like a dead end.

I had lunch in our staff lounge by myself while skimming through Entertainment Weekly and attempting to answer questions on Trivial Pursuit, hosted by none other than Peter Brady. If I had been on the show, I would have won enough to pay off my debt. LOL

After lunch, I went back to my chair and my new supervisor asked if she could see me in her office. I wasn't worried since we hadn't talked about my schedule and supervision or upcoming trainings in order to ensure that I am certified in other departments. I went into her office and she said, "Did they tell you already? Erika and Yoli..." "Do you know...you know, right?" And when my look of uncertainty gave it away, she said, "You don't know? Well, I'll just wait until they tell you..." Now my anxiety was high and several things were rushing through my head, Am I being fired? Did they decide to decrease my pay more? Then she said, "I'm surprised they didn't call you yet. Maybe later...Well, I'll tell you. Just don't tell them I told you. They want to keep you."
"How?"
"Someone resigned."
"Who?"
"I'm not sure. They can tell you."
"Whoa, you scared me."
"Oh no, no, no, sorry, sorry. They want to keep you. They will probably tell you tomorrow. So act surprised."
"But I just moved all my stuff and filled all my drawers."
"I know."
Inside, I was excited. (I waited until all the girls in the front left and then I unpacked my drawers/desk and put everything back into the box.)
I agreed. I was already planning on buying a couple dozen "farewell donuts" and writing a heartfelt note to my "Covina Family". Now I shall have to continue with those plans even though I know. However, my new sup did mention that if things didn't work out and I remained at El Monte.... but it's too late. I was already...home. And I remembered a conversation with another supervisor at the Covina site (who covered at the EM site for months) yesterday about how much I disliked the El Monte site. He told me that someone had resigned from the La Puete site along with, "but you didn't hear it from me." And either late last night or early this morning, this thought came to me: Wow...church is just one straight shot from the La Puente site.

Why was that my thought? I don't know but I guess my heart was set on that subconsciously. On my way home, there was traffic and lots of it. So I tried to call a few people (not affiliated with work) to vent and let them know my situation and nobody answered. I was frustrated and overwhelmed by all of the instability of my life and just wanted to share what was on my heart with someone who would listen. I was emotional and cried some of the way home. I was so stressed and had a hamburger, chili cheese fries and an oreo shake. Not the best choice for dinner...but it was my way of coping with this emotional rollercoaster that is my job.

I shared my heart with God...He already knows what's in it anyway.

today

here's an excerpt from an email to a friend...


"...anyway, i wasn't able to reply this morning because i had to leave earlier since the new site is in El Monte. But thanks for the encouragement. I appreciated it. Even though today was not such a terrific day. I had basically no training on new phones and procedures that they obviously do very differently from covina. the girl who "did everything" according to my new supervisor was too busy updating her facebook to train me and the other girl who actually talked to me knew almost less than I did. so i flubbed the phone paging/transferring, was given an out of date roster, didn't take any breaks and got stuck at the window front and center where every client walked up to. oh and lets not mention, that the one who did everything took a 2 hour meeting with my new supervisor. then left early. and my supervisor showed me around and then the next time I saw her was when she was walking out...wishing me a happy first day and thanking me for helping to cover. thursday i go in at 10:30 to 7--crap hours. i am now the low man on the totem pole so to speak and quite frankly, it sucks. but enough about my ungrateful rant--i should be thanking the Lord that I even have a job and i ain't shoveling horse poo or something. and not like my friend whose last day at enki is this friday. then she is jobless."

I know there are many grammatical mistakes and all i did was copy/paste, but i think i am actually getting tired. blah.

anxious...?

My Facebook status states that I am anxious about starting at a new site. But I've been bugged about it and obviously other things since I haven't been able to sleep for the past three nights. And here it is, almost 1 am and I am wide awake. It was such a good...emotional, yet somewhat productive and triumphant day. But it didn't really end well. I think I need to journal more. Today at the same time I felt that I had accomplished something, I felt hugely inadequate. I finally approached the homeless man who hangs out in downtown Covina as I have been prompted to for several months. He didn't speak one word; only nodded and shook his head. I didn't get his name...only that he couldn't speak English, never asked Jesus to be his Savior and didn't even know who Jesus was. I gave him a small book outlining salvation, though I figure if her can't speak, he probably can't read. And I gave him some money for breakfast. With every hopeful question I asked, his response was the same--a shaking of his head, "no". Except one. I asked him if I could pray for him. He finally nodded yes. And so I did. And I promised that I would continue praying for him, not even knowng his name. I walked away, not knowing whatelse I could possibly do for him, yet wanting to do something more. I had no shower to offer this man. I had no clean clothes (though I've heard that people give him clothes and he chooses to wear the same ones he has). I went back to my car and as I started it, I began to cry. I had done what was asked of me so many times before. Finally. Yet somehow the feeling of accomplishment paled in comparison to the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and insignifigance. This man didn't need me to "rescue" him. He needed Jesus to. And I didn't really know how to offer that to him. The only thing I could say was, "Jesucristo es El Senor." I looked this man in the eyes and could see the emptiness. I've seen hurt and rejection. I've seen grief and frustration. I've even seen anger and rage. But I don't think I've ever seen that kind of emptiness before. At that moment, as I slowly drove along Citrus Avenue, I was overcome with emotion. Overwhelmed by his need and I felt so small compared to it. I prayed God would intervene, somehow. All I could do once I got to work, was sit in the parking lot and wait for my tears to subside.

I was emotional all day. It's difficult saying goodbye to those who have been in your life for years. My heart longs to remain with them...the hurt is caused from having to peel it away from the hearts it has bonded to.

Nothing But Me

I found this in my documents and I'm not sure when I wrote it...probably within the last 2 or 3 years. Usually I date everything I write.

Nothing But Me

Only a shadow remains
Of the memories of us you took away
And the parts of me I hid from all else

I could regret that I ever let you glimpse
And I could pretend that none of it mattered
But there‘s always been more to me than met the eye
And I have never lied to you before

Part of me wants to throw my head back
And say I’m unaffected and all is well
But if you look a little closer
You’ll see the lines that tell the story of my misfortune

The years of heartache I’ve yet to overcome
Not because I still desire you
But because I opened up too much of myself
And because I refuse not to love

I’ve gone someplace deep within my mind
A far off place that has kept me close to you
Holding memories that not even you could take away
Losing myself in the process of holding on

Unable to give
Paralyzed by the pain
A Crippling love
Solitude is my gain

Have you tried shaking me from your head?
Not as easy as it sounds
As hurtful as things were
I still remember every smile

We couldn’t help ourselves
We were both so young
None of which were true
But I loved you
I truly loved you

I’ve got nothing left
Given myself completely away
Nothing left but me
Holding close, fragments of a memory
Of you still so far away

In time this heart will heal
And so too will yours
Maybe if we weren’t somewhere so close
And yet still so far

I’ve got nothing left to give
Already given too much
Nothing left but me
And that’s not nearly enough
To please you

In the Midst of A Migraine

I'm sitting here trying to decide whether or not to just get up and go wash my car and run the errands I need to or to simply take 2 more Advil and fall back into bed. I've been laying here since after church and lunch, not sleeping but trying to get rid of this headache. I don't want to waste the end of my vacation/weekend, though it has been busy.

Here's a rundown of the past two weeks:

I went to see 500 Days of Summer which wasn't as good as people are saying. Good soundtrack though. And the lead male is cute. And 12.

I went to Redondo Beach and had a great time. It was so relaxing and I was able to let go of the stress of work. I did get into the water, but mostly relaxed with my mp3.

I went to Knotts Berry Farm and lost my voice from screaming on the rides. I got on silver bullet and pny express. Bother were great. And I saw Shaq there with his kid in Camp Snoopy. He said hi and smiled at me. I took a pic of him (actually his head) while he was sitting and waiting for his kid to get off a ride, but didn't have the heart to take another one while he was walking by me and holding his kid. It felt so invasive that all I could do was say hi. Thats when he smiled and said hi.

I went for a mile hike up in the canyon which was fun. It brought back so many memories of my dad and the times he took me up there as a child. He was still my daddy then. I miss fishing. I miss him! It only made me want to go camping and fishing.

I fell down the stairs at work earlier in the week and my butt was a bit sore from the rides at knotts and the hike. And I was really bummed that I didn't make my last potluck with my unit because I thought I was going to the Holocaust Museum (which is only open from 11-2). Even though I am not close friends with all of them and the ones I am close to I will no doubt spend time with again...I feel as though I missed out and that made me sad that I missed it.

We had a weenie roast last Saturday...which I had a veggie patty at because I've been fasting meat and sweets. And no smores for me either, but I don't like them anyway.

Yesterday, we had our second annual family reunion and it was a long day. In a few months, we'll be preparing for next year's.

The next big event is probably the Walk for Life at Azusa Pacific.

Tomorrow I go back to work...I am looking forward to it since I only have 3 more days at the Covina site. On Tuesday and Thursday, I will go work at the El Monte site. Friday is everyone's last day at Covina. I imagine it will be emotional.
I dare not get in too deep here since my head is hurting. But there is so much.

On The Spot

Today in church pastor called me up to be used of the Lord and allow the Holy Spirit to move/speak through me. I was so...full and just overwhelmed by the presence of God and emotions. I felt the Lord and was myself moved, but as I walked up to the platform, I had no idea what to say. I prayed in tongues (yes, I believe in that.) as I took the mic and pastor spoke of how the Lord had used me before. Then I began to speak. It was brief and I didn't get through it before breaking down somewhat. And I can't remember word for word what I said. I do remember that the presence of God was so strong that I nearly fell on my way back to my seat. I haven't felt the Lord that strong in a long time. Somehow, I feel that I was supposed to say more. How do you ask if you prophesied correctly? Or accurately? And just the night before, I told my cousin that I was doing a fast because I wanted God to move through me. And He didn't disappoint. (Even if I may have.) Here's a humorous thing, after the service my cousin said, "good speech." My cousin and I just shook our heads and laughed.

Even if it wasn't the best...people stated that I made them cry. Not sure if that's good or bad but at least it made people think, right? And all I kept thinking before I was called up was that, this is the place where I feel most comfortable. (In the Lord's presence, that is.) I felt comfortable to praise, pray,raise my hands, cry, etc. And it was like it was just me and Him. I am so thankful for my redemption.

Julie & Julia

Today I went to the movies alone. It. Was. Ok. And I had a good time with me. I think I might do that more often. For years, a friend of mine has gone to the movies by himself and I never really understood why anyone would want to go to the movie theater alone. It's not such a bad thing. And I wasn't the only one there who went alone. Who knows, maybe I'll try going to a restaurant alone next. :-)